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My friends describe me as kind, funny, down to earth, moderately bright, deeply interested in shiny things, gay for myself, good listener, tiny third arm in the middle of my back, frightened of direct sunlight, violent when confused or startled, inappropriate laugher, close talker with really, really horrible breath like your uncle or grandfather, but worse. Oh so much worse. Nipples like tattered strands of spaghetti, and always talking shit about someone's mom in Pig-latin.